I FINALLY got around to doing December
Sorry it's late.
I did it fast & sloppy so please excuse any typo's etc.
Enjoy!
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December 2005
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Libra
Work: Call in sick.
Social: Danger, danger, danger, a Christmas party you will attend is fraught with peril. The stars, never in favor of Christian activities, are going to give you a hard time, and not the good kind. Your best course of action is to drink a lot. That way, later, you can blame your behavior on the booze. You’re gonna lose your job anyway, and booze is the only excuse anybody’s gonna buy. Be careful, use condoms when engaging in sexual intercourse, even with inanimate objects. That’s right inanimate objects. Avoiding Christmas parties is not a good idea, even with the inevitable (and embarrassing) antics. All Libras who avoid a Christmas party this month will be abducted by a cement truck driver named Stanley Herbert Gomer, and after some really horror show type stuff they will be dressed in leaderhosen, and buried beneath the newly poured slab of an International House of Pancakes just outside Wisneck, Alabama on Interstate 22.
Diet: You’re looking a little anemic. Try some Spinach.
Lucky Numbers: 6, 98, 1045, 1055 & 3
Commentary: Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate.
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Scorpio
Work: Invest heavily in Exxon-Mobile. Its selling now around $73/share, but will be flirting with $100 by the new year.
Social: Start writing down the names of the people you go home with when you’re wasted. It will make things go a lot smoother at the trial.
Diet: Flavored condoms are not a food group.
Lucky Numbers: Moon River, Moonlight Sonata, & Bark At The Moon.
Commentary: Don’t worry too much. Your mother probably still loves you.
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Sagittarius
Work: Your employer is about to find out that you lied on your resume’. One of your co-workers had decided to have sex with you, but not the one you wanted. And you’re gonna get caught. And fired.
Social: You are still horrible in bed. There is no celestial cure for this. You seem to be enjoying yourself, but nobody else is. Just start appologizing on the way to the bedroom. On the plus side you’re gonna be getting quite a bit of mattress time from now on because the shift in your opinion of your sexual prowess will attract a lot of pity sex from sympathetic partners who think they can help you, and from a few assholes who like to prey on the vulnerabilities of others.
Diet: Cut back on the cheeseburgers. Even sympathy sex won’t get past a beer gut.
Lucky Numbers: 45, 87, fried spam, 447, 32
Commentary: You don’t need a new car yet. Keep driving the one you’ve got for a while.
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Capricorn
Work: Good Lord. What can I say. Well, just better get it over with & tell you. This month you are fucked. Bad luck is just gonna follow you around like stink on shit. Stay home in bed and avoid contact with other humans. And, stop blogging too for the love of christmas nobody wants to hear your shit anyway.
Social: Same as above. Give up socializing for a month. All you can do by going out is damage your reputation & credit rating.
Diet: Filet-O-Fish
Lucky Numbers: All the odd ones
Commentary: Don’t come to my house. I won’t answer the door if you do.
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Aquarius
Work: Your Secret Santa has forgoten who’s name he drew and has gotten you a horribly inappropriate gift. Don’t be offended he’s just a dumb fuck trying to muddle through like the rest of us.
Social: Your social life is looking up this month. That person you’ve always wanted to bone is finally gonna get drunk enough to have sex with you. Unfortunately you’re going to catch a venerial disease from them.
Diet: Filet-O-Fish
Lucky Numbers: Alberto VO5
Commentary: I would tell you to have a condom ready, but it won’t help. You’re going to get that disease any way.
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Pisces
Work: A project you are working on is going to net you a raise & or bonus or something like that.
Social: You are unaware that you are carrying a venerial disease, and you are going to infect that person that has been birddoging you lately. We all know that you would not knowingly disemenate VD (hee hee dissemenate), but you aren’t going to believe this horoscope and you’ll be so drunk at the time that you won’t be able to help yourself.
Diet: Eat your boogers
Lucky Numbers: 1
Commentary: Vaseline
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Aries
Work: You aren’t smoking enough dope at work, and your creativity is suffering. I suggest inviting the boss out behind the trash dumpster for a couple of bong hits. (worked for me)
Social: Try changing your sexual orientation, I mean, for the love of christmas this current thing is getting you nowhere.
Diet: Flintstones vitamins aren’t just for kids you know.
Lucky Numbers: $4.95
Commentary: That spot under the bed where you wipe your boogers is really getting gross. You really need to clean that shit up. It’s nasty
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Taurus
Work: Vacation time! Your stars are all lining up for a break for you. Try South America, Brazil is lovely this time of year. Plus it’s too cold in the U.S. for bikinis and we all love bikini clad chicks don’t we? And, let’s face it, Brazillian chicks are the hottest babes on the planet right? Not to insult the homegrown tang we got around here, but holy cripple christmas on a barbedwire fence, Brazillian chicks! I mean Damn!
Social: Live a little, If you go on that vacation take a little extra cash for hooker & dope.
Diet: A brazillian chick (I thought we already discussed this)
Lucky Numbers: None this month
Commentary: Bathe more often.
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Gemini
Work: Stop drinking at work. Everybody already knows you do, so don’t try to deny it. Wait til after work & get drunk at your neighborhood bar like everyone elese. Its only eight hours the Gin will be just as fresh when you get there.
Social: That person you’ve been wanting to bone lately is going to give it up that asshole you work with, but don’t worry you won’t be the one with the painful urination if you get my drift. You know , hee hee, down there? Get what I’m tryin’ to say? (what I’m saying is that "They" will be the one catching the Venerial Disease)
Diet: Butter
Lucky Numbers: 501
Commentary: Don’t bother with handcuffs. It’s easier to surprise someone with duct tape.
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Cancer
Work: Spend company funds foolishly. Make up crazy excuses to cover your fraud. You will be believed. Not only that, but you will gain the reputation for being a crazy financial genious. Right up to the moment everything falls apart.
Social: Your significant other wants to try something a little different. Go with it. And, as long as the horse doesn’t mind, who’s to judge?
Diet: Green vegetables (and, no, I don’t mean retarded frogs)
Lucky Numbers: 4444444, 6
Commentary: I don’t know if I can really comment on someone who is actually contemplating what you’re contemplating. I mean, really, even if the horse doesn’t mind, what the hell are you thinking?
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Leo
Work: Gloom, despair and agony on me. If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all. Gloom despair and agony on me.
Social: The new thing you’re doing with your hair isn’t working. It looks fine from the front, but from the back it looks completely asinine. No on has told you because most of your friends pity you at least a little bit, and they’re terrified that even a tiny nick in your selfesteem will send you spinning off into a suicidal funk.
Diet: Start using more olive oil.
Lucky Numbers: Anything that takes attention away from your head.
Commentary: I already went over the hair thing.
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Virgo
Work: The whole "work" thing doesn’t seem to be working out for you this month. The stars say you ought to quit your job, and begin a career giving five dollar blowjobs in the bathroom at the Trailways station.
Social: Once your new career is underway, you’ll be meeting a lot of new people. Your social opportunities are about to skyrocket. Just remember to put the condom in your mouth before you go down. Slip it on with your lips and they’ll never know. Practice on a banana.
Diet: Treat yourself to a good dinner. Someplace nice, maybe with a band or a piano bar.
Lucky Numbers: 911
Commentary: I know this is the same horoscope for Virgo as last year, but I’m feeling lazy, and who gives a shit about Virgos anyway?

Here's November for ya'll a little early so all you sheep can get on with your lives.

I created this blog out of a frustration with the vague, skimpy, and undifferentiated information contained in the news paper horoscopes we are all familiar with. I got a book on astrology, and pored over the charts and tables, and learned, with the help of several websites, the fundamentals of casting a horoscope. (It is more complicated than one might imagine.) I have begun drawing up monthly horoscopes, and where possible presenting them in the plainest, and most to the point language I could. Where possible, even predicting specific events. I hope you enjoy my effort.
The above statement is in no way a claim to expertise in any of the mentioned fields. It also doesn’t ensure the accuracy, or validity of the information. Hell, I might have just made it all up while I was drunk. You never know. Besides, what kind of a moron believes in astrology. I mean, come on, a planet moves around the sun and I’m supposed go, "Woooo, I better invest in Texaco, and quit fucking around on my girlfriend." I think not. But, you know, I’m not saying that celestial bodies can’t have an effect on terrestrial events. The Moon’s gravity sucks trillions of tons of water around the surface of the Earth every day. So, that much power must have some sort of effect on the lives of men. So, possibly, there could be some small amount factual evidence to the theories behind astrology. And, there is some comfort in the thought that all of the events swirling around us are governed by some orderly system that can be observed and predicted. So, go ahead and believe in all this astrological bullshit if you want to, you dumbass.

November 2005


Libra
Work: Be quiet and keep your head down. Lots of shit is going to be going on this month. However, there is opportunity. Keep your ears open, and you may obtain information that will allow you to completely bone a colleague.
Social: This is a good month for revelations. The stars indicate a cathartic end to secrecy. Now would be a great time to: come out of the closet (Everybody already knows anyway), admit you’re addicted to midget porn, tell everyone you actually voted for Bush. This is a month to cleanse your soul of the swirling blackness of secrecy, and lies that corrode your spirit. If you really didn’t have an orgasm it’s okay to say so. We understand.
Diet: Don’t eat anything you didn’t kill yourself.
Commentary: If you plan on telling your parents you’re a dirt-road-cowboy, tell your dad first. He might want come out too. Have some Prozac ready for Mom.

Scorpio
Work: You have no business taking this shit from your co-workers. I mean, yeah, we all know you’re a fucknugget, but even fucknuggets need little cooperation, and respect once in a while. It’s time to get that gun out of the shoebox in the closet, and teach this self-righteous bunch of candy-ass pussies a little humility.
Social: A lot of opportunity is opening up in your personal life, although you’re a "new fish", your confidence, charisma, and reputation will open a lot of doors (especially in the shower). Remember, in some social situations dropping the soap is just another way of saying "Howdy, Sailor!"
Diet: Back off on the caffeine
Commentary: Remember, the biggest mistake most spree killers make is not taking enough ammo. So, stock up. That guy they got off that clock tower back in the sixties, when asked why he stopped shooting people he replied, "I ran out of bullets." Words to live by.

Sagittarius
Work: The celestial realm has noticed that you have been buying your clothes at Wal-Mart. Stop it.
Social: You will be attending an event this month. You will enjoy it far more than you think you will. You will have an enlightening conversation with a fascinating person, and will quickly become friends, and, within a very short time, lovers; hot, kinky, they’re gonna have to renovate the hotel room, monkey sex lovers. Unfortunately, when you reveal your new relationship to your current significant other, you will find out that you are doing the sha-conk-conk-conk with the same person that they have been boning because they thought you were a no good fuck.
Diet: Tylenol
Commentary: You pays your money. You takes your chances.

Capricorn
Work: In blatant violation of your privacy rights, someone in either a position of authority, or someone in a personal relationship with you has installed video equipment at various locations around your workplace, and/or home. They saw what you did.
Social: All three of the people you’ve been having sex with have found out about the others, and are planning something really bad for you. Run. On the plus side you are going to excel at whatever sporting events you are involved in, and that rash is gonna clear right up.
Diet: You need to lower your sodium intake.
Commentary: Avoid Canadians.

Aquarius
Work: You will never be completely satisfied with your new job. Although, you think most of the people there like you, they don’t. They’re just smiling at your face, and talking behind your back. Most of them just feel sorry for you because you’re a pathetic fuckup. They all know you masturbate in the bathroom. Wash your hands more often.
Social: Believe it or not the stars indicate that your social life is about to really take off. You will meet someone who is almost as much a pathetic fuckup as you are. Your acne will clear up. The antibiotics are working. You will find, not only acceptance, but a superior social position among the friends of your new love interest.
Diet: Eat whatever you like. Your new social circle seems to be completely oblivious to physical condition, flatulence, and/or body odor.
Commentary: Learn to play Dungeons & Dragons, cultivate an encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek, & move into your mother’s garage. The money you save on rent will allow you travel to all the best Sci-Fi conventions.

Pisces
Work: There will soon be a change in your work environment, or possibly in your job itself. The stars are vague about what this change may be, but you are going to like it this new aspect of your employment will make your job much more personally fulfilling.
Social: A certain recent event has made you question your sexuality. Don’t worry. You’re fine. Everybody experiments once in a while. Well, not everybody. I mean, I’ve never done anything like that. Yuck. I don’t know anybody else who’s done anything as fucked up as that before, but I’m sure it’s probably perfectly normal. Or, at least as normal as someone who could do something as fucked up as that can be.
Diet: Careful of contamination. Salmonella never sleeps.
Commentary: And, when you think about who you did it with. I mean, holy cripple christmas on a barbed wire fence.

Aries
Work: Certain investments, and/or projects will be coming to fruition soon. Avoid the temptation to rush things, or to divest yourself too soon. Patience will be rewarded.
Social: Although do not have a particularly violent nature, you will soon have an overpowering desire to physically abuse your significant other. Ordinarily the celestial omens recommend strongly against violence of any kind, but in this particular case, your significant other has fucked you over big time. Seriously, you have been cornholed like John Holmes slamfucking a gerbil wrapped in duct tape, and a beating is definitely in order. The stars indicate that after you get medieval on their ass, you ought work your way through the renaissance, and the industrial revolution. I recommend a length of bicycle inner tube stuffed with buckshot and motor oil.
Diet: Tofu, and watercress finger sandwiches
Commentary: You single folks out there don’t need to beat anybody up.

Taurus
Work: If you don’t like your job: quit, find something you enjoy doing, and find a way to live on the minuscule amount of money they are willing to pay you for doing it.
Social: You are one lucky bastard. For this entire month you get a free pass. God ain’t watchin’, and karma has taken the day off. Any evil, perverted, or illegal thing that you want to do, you are going to be able to do and get away with. Lie, cheat, steal, murder, torture whatever you do you will get away with. So, Dig down into that nasty puss filled sty you call a soul, pull out you most depraved, heartless, putrid, evil, Martha Stewart inspired fantasy, and do it. It’s okay, nobody will ever know.
Diet: Abstain from the milk of human kindness.
Commentary: Everybody picks their nose. They have to, or eventually it would fill up with boogers, and they’d smother. Anyone who says they never pick their nose is a liar, and not to be trusted. Even Paris Hilton picks her nose. Paula Poundstone uses a shrimp fork.

Gemini
Work: Don’t be a pussy. You deserve a raise. Ask for it.
Social: Take a vacation. You’ve been good all year, and you deserve it. Pick some tropical paradise and blow a couple of grand living it up with piña coladas, and dusky island natives. Just be careful. Eighty-two percent of the population of Haiti is HIV positive. Indonesia is rife with terrorist bombings, and child prostitution. The Southern Caribbean is the most pirate ridden area on earth, and the Northern Caribbean is recovering from the devastation of all those hurricanes. Maybe you should just stay home with a bottle of rum, and rent "Captain Ron" on DVD.
Diet: Fat free, sodium free, sugar free, carb free, fuck it, order a pizza.
Commentary: Has anyone noticed that our motor vehicles are beginning to look more, and more like Tonka Toys?

Cancer
Work: An evil star has careened into your constellation. A project you feel is important has unforeseen problems. Cut your losses before it’s too late.
Social: Be wary of fat people. The stars have not entirely revealed why, but don’t take any chances. Alright, a little plump might be okay, but stay away from the genuine rollie pollies. Even if they’re cute. Ugly people are fine.
Diet: You smoke like an ‘82 Pontiac. You eat diet pills all day, and chase Nytol with whiskey to get to sleep. You’ll fuck any greasy headed, no teeth, trailer trash that’ll stagger out to your car. And, you’re worried about your diet?
Commentary: Edward Teach, a British pirate also known as "Blackbeard", once held the entire town of Charleston for ransom. All he demanded was mercuric compounds. The only treatment at that time for gonorrhea. His entire crew was infected.

Leo
Work: Stay away from investments with Virgos. Far away from them. I mean, Rosie O’Donell, and a salad bar far away from them. Seriously.
Social: For once in your life you’re going to have to stand up, for your personal beliefs. Some people are going to be pissed off at you, and will attack you personally rather than argue your point, or defend their own position. Fuck ‘em. If they’re so narrow minded, and petty that they can’t respect an honest, well thought out opinion, whether they agree with it, or not, then they probably realize the weakness of their own position, and can only use anger, and personal attack to cover their shallowness, and lack of conviction. What did you expect from liberals?
Diet: Quaff from the ever flowing horn of righteousness.
Commentary: The first amendment is for everybody.

Virgo
Work: I see in the stars that there is an excellent opportunity at your place of employment to become fabulously wealthy by embezzling large amounts of seldom used funds, through an associated government agency.
Social: Although you are quite popular you suffer from shyness that prevents you from becoming deeply involved, or even more than casual acquaintances. I suggest that, in order to open up, and enjoy the experience of having a close interpersonal relationship, you expose your most private feelings, and experiences to the next person that comes along. Things like: how much you hate Canadians, the time your uncle Clevis touched you "down there", even the time when you were fourteen, and wondered what a hooter felt like, so you felt up a recently littered, beagle, bitch while you spanked your trouser weasel.
Diet: Try going kosher for a while.
Commentary: Does your dad still have that beagle?

I created this blog out of a frustration with the vague, skimpy, and undifferentiated information contained in the news paper horoscopes we are all familiar with. I got a book on astrology, and pored over the charts and tables, and learned, with the help of several websites, the fundamentals of casting a horoscope. (It is more complicated than one might imagine.) I have begun drawing up monthly horoscopes, and where possible presenting them in the plainest, and most to the point language I could. Where possible, even predicting specific events.
I hope you enjoy my effort.

The above statement is in no way a claim to expertise in any of the mentioned fields. It also doesn’t ensure the accuracy, or validity of the information. Hell, I might have just made it all up while I was drunk. You never know. Besides, what kind of a moron believes in astrology. I mean, come on, a planet moves around the sun and I’m supposed go, "Woooo, I better invest in Texaco, and quit fucking around on my girlfriend." I think not. But, you know, I’m not saying that celestial bodies can’t have an effect on terrestrial events. The Moon’s gravity sucks trillions of tons of water around the surface of the Earth every day. So, that much power must have some sort of effect on the lives of men. So, possibly, there could be some small amount factual evidence to the theories behind astrology. And, there is some comfort in the thought that all of the events swirling around us are governed by some orderly system that can be observed and predicted. So, go ahead and believe in all this astrological bullshit if you want to, you dumbass.
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October 2005
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Libra
Work: You will get along better with your co-workers if you could find it in your heart to just shut-the-fuck-up. Really, nobody wants to hear your bullshit this month so, just zip it.
Social: Buy lots of rubbers. If you are in a relationship already and you have rubbers on hand, buy some anyway, because you’re going to be cheating a lot this month and your significant other is going to be suspicious if your rubbers keep disappearing and ya’ll ain’t slapping junior behind the ears. If you’re single. Good news, you’ll be poundin’ meat like "Rocky" doin’ speedballs. Unfortunately, you’re gonna hook up with some nasty junk, so, buy the rubbers. Trust me.
Diet: Stay away from fried foods.
Lucky Numbers: 8, 5, 7 & 35,097
Commentary: Bathe your genital area liberally with white vinegar. Small, white spots or light discolored areas indicate the presence of genital warts.
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Scorpio
Work: One of your co-workers is telling everyone what you’ve been saying behind their back. You’re going to have a great idea that could have led to a raise or promotion but, you won’t get any credit for it because everyone thinks your an asshole.
Social: Drink more. You really are more interesting when you’re drunk.
Diet: Be careful about sanitation and food preparation this month. You run a high risk of exposure to fecal coloform bacteria.
Lucky Numbers: None, this is just not your month.
Commentary: Telling people the truth about themselves is seldom a good idea. Lie to make people like you.
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Sagittarius
Work: This is a very good time for you, business wise. Give lots of stuff away. Buy a round of drinks for the guys, or bring croissants for breakfast. Everybody’s gonna think you’re great. This is a great month for shameless self-promotion.
Social: Unfortunately, your significant other is cheating on you. It’s not that they lack feelings for you, or commitment to the relationship. It’s just that you aren’t any good in bed. They’ve been trying to be nice about it, but whackin’ off afterwards ain’t cuttin’ it, so they’ve been gettin’ their rocks off with some strange.
Diet: Oysters.
Lucky Numbers: 69, 69, 69
Commentary: Try livening it up a little. Going down isn’t just for elevators you know, and the old back door can bring a lot to the party. Loosen up, experiment. As for you singles out there. You’re not masturbating nearly enough.
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Capricorn
Work: This is a bad month for workplace romance. However, sucking up is definitely on the agenda, so grab those cheeks and bury that nose to the nostrils.
Social: Party! Party! Party! Great month to have a party. Who needs a reason? Have fun while you have the chance ‘cause next month is goin’ down the crapper. Get some friends, get some booze, get some dope, and then just get some! Venus is in your seventh house, and you know what that means!
Diet: Brownies look good this month.
Lucky Numbers: 13 & Old #7
Commentary: Be naked as often as possible. This might be the month that pudding, and zucchini thing happens.
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Aquarius
Work: Quit your job. Those bastards never appreciated you anyway.
Social: You will have practically no social life this month, but seriously, take a look at yourself. Who wants to hang out with somebody like you? You’re boring, you talk too much, you smell funny, and for the love of Christmas don’t get me started on that wardrobe.
Diet: Stay off the Mexican food. You already fart enough to put a hole in the ozone.
Lucky Numbers: Fuck you.
Commentary: Congratulations. You’re the first person to actually catch Gonorrhea from a toilet seat.
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Pisces
Work: You are productive and diligent about the quality of your work. Unfortunately, nobody cares. Doing a good job is like pissing in dark pants. It gives you a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Social: Everyone thinks you’re gay. Except for your gay friends.
Diet: Eat more veggies. You need the fibre.
Lucky Numbers: Kevin Bacon
Commentary: A pet might help.
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Aries
Work: Take a chance on a new venture. This is a great time for change, filled with opportunity. Investment will earn great rewards. Of course, if you take this advice and you loose your job, savings, home, family, and friends, and end up a broke crack addict in prison having your ass traded for cigarettes, don’t blame me. You’re the dumbass that believes in horoscopes.
Social: It’s a good time for you to meet new people. Your Herpes is in remission, your mother’s out of town, and those new pants make your ass look fantastic.
Diet: Eat more sushi. It’s low in fat, and high in antioxidants. The whole "Low carb" thing is bullshit.
Lucky Numbers: 9, 99, 999 & 4
Commentary: Stop eating your boogers. They’ll give you worms.
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Taurus
Work: Same old, same old, work, make money, save money, spend money, etc. Not a good month for firearms in the workplace.
Social: A good month for going out and getting drunk. You aren’t gonna meet any interesting people, or have any real fun. But, you’re under a shitload of stress and it’s only gonna get worse so, you might as well just crawl in a bottle, and pull the cap on after you.
Diet: Cheese, cheese, cheese.
Lucky Numbers: 1492, 1861, 44-40 or fight
Commentary: What have you been eating? Good lord, it smells like something crawled up you, and died.
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Gemini
Work: Give up.
Social: Many, many chances for social fuck ups this month. Navigate the social waters with extreme care, but don’t become a hermit. Many opportunities exist for improving your image in the community. Just remember that for this month you must not answer a question from a potential love interest with the words "anal lube". It will seem like the appropriate answer at the time, but trust me, it is not.
Diet: Eat meat. Vegetarians bruise easily, and they smell funny "down there".
Lucky Numbers: .38, .45, 12ga, & 9mm.
Commentary: Don’t waste money on expensive personal lubricants. Butter works just fine. That’s right, sweet creamy butter.
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Cancer
Work: You’re going to be fired for something that is totally not your fault. But, don’t despair. The stars of the business world are vastly in your favor for a massive windfall. Possibly a lottery win, the death of a wealthy relative, or a hot streak at craps.
Social: Unfortunately, you may not be able to enjoy your potential windfall because you will begin to realize that you have no friends, no social life, and your family hates you, and that this is all because you are a completely worthless and unworthy bastard. You will probably attempt suicide and if successful you will miss the opportunity to be a completely worthless and unworthy rich bastard.
Diet: Who cares? You’re probably going to eat Drano anyway.
Lucky Numbers: Ecclesiastes 10:2
Commentary: That burning sensation ain’t goin’away by itself.
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Leo
Work: Don’t think of it as work. Think of it as a really nerve racking, tedious, and unfulfilling hobby that you barely make enough money after taxes to feed an anorexic rat on.
Social: You should immediately purchase enough ingredients to prepare four gallons of butterscotch pudding, and three medium size zucchinis. Trust me, you won’t regret this.
Diet: Don’t worry about your diet, just get the pudding and the zucchinis, and you’re golden.
Lucky Numbers: 4 gal., 3 zucchinis
Commentary: Don’t get vanilla or chocolate, it has to be butterscotch.
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Virgo
Work: The whole "work" thing doesn’t seem to be working out for you this month. The stars say you ought to quit your job, and begin a career giving five dollar blowjobs in the bathroom at the Trailways station.
Social: Once your new career is underway, you’ll be meeting a lot of new people. Your social opportunities are about to skyrocket. Just remember to put the condom in your mouth before you go down. Slip it on with your lips and they’ll never know. Practice on a banana.
Diet: Treat yourself to a good dinner. Someplace nice, maybe with a band or a piano bar.
Lucky Numbers: 911
Commentary: If like is spit, and love is swallow, what’s gargle?

Hope you enjoy & look forward to next month.