Thursday, October 27, 2005

Here's November for ya'll a little early so all you sheep can get on with your lives.

I created this blog out of a frustration with the vague, skimpy, and undifferentiated information contained in the news paper horoscopes we are all familiar with. I got a book on astrology, and pored over the charts and tables, and learned, with the help of several websites, the fundamentals of casting a horoscope. (It is more complicated than one might imagine.) I have begun drawing up monthly horoscopes, and where possible presenting them in the plainest, and most to the point language I could. Where possible, even predicting specific events. I hope you enjoy my effort.
The above statement is in no way a claim to expertise in any of the mentioned fields. It also doesn’t ensure the accuracy, or validity of the information. Hell, I might have just made it all up while I was drunk. You never know. Besides, what kind of a moron believes in astrology. I mean, come on, a planet moves around the sun and I’m supposed go, "Woooo, I better invest in Texaco, and quit fucking around on my girlfriend." I think not. But, you know, I’m not saying that celestial bodies can’t have an effect on terrestrial events. The Moon’s gravity sucks trillions of tons of water around the surface of the Earth every day. So, that much power must have some sort of effect on the lives of men. So, possibly, there could be some small amount factual evidence to the theories behind astrology. And, there is some comfort in the thought that all of the events swirling around us are governed by some orderly system that can be observed and predicted. So, go ahead and believe in all this astrological bullshit if you want to, you dumbass.

November 2005


Libra
Work:
Be quiet and keep your head down. Lots of shit is going to be going on this month. However, there is opportunity. Keep your ears open, and you may obtain information that will allow you to completely bone a colleague.
Social: This is a good month for revelations. The stars indicate a cathartic end to secrecy. Now would be a great time to: come out of the closet (Everybody already knows anyway), admit you’re addicted to midget porn, tell everyone you actually voted for Bush. This is a month to cleanse your soul of the swirling blackness of secrecy, and lies that corrode your spirit. If you really didn’t have an orgasm it’s okay to say so. We understand.
Diet: Don’t eat anything you didn’t kill yourself.
Commentary: If you plan on telling your parents you’re a dirt-road-cowboy, tell your dad first. He might want come out too. Have some Prozac ready for Mom.

Scorpio
Work: You have no business taking this shit from your co-workers. I mean, yeah, we all know you’re a fucknugget, but even fucknuggets need little cooperation, and respect once in a while. It’s time to get that gun out of the shoebox in the closet, and teach this self-righteous bunch of candy-ass pussies a little humility.
Social: A lot of opportunity is opening up in your personal life, although you’re a "new fish", your confidence, charisma, and reputation will open a lot of doors (especially in the shower). Remember, in some social situations dropping the soap is just another way of saying "Howdy, Sailor!"
Diet: Back off on the caffeine
Commentary: Remember, the biggest mistake most spree killers make is not taking enough ammo. So, stock up. That guy they got off that clock tower back in the sixties, when asked why he stopped shooting people he replied, "I ran out of bullets." Words to live by.

Sagittarius
Work: The celestial realm has noticed that you have been buying your clothes at Wal-Mart. Stop it.
Social: You will be attending an event this month. You will enjoy it far more than you think you will. You will have an enlightening conversation with a fascinating person, and will quickly become friends, and, within a very short time, lovers; hot, kinky, they’re gonna have to renovate the hotel room, monkey sex lovers. Unfortunately, when you reveal your new relationship to your current significant other, you will find out that you are doing the sha-conk-conk-conk with the same person that they have been boning because they thought you were a no good fuck.
Diet: Tylenol
Commentary: You pays your money. You takes your chances.

Capricorn
Work: In blatant violation of your privacy rights, someone in either a position of authority, or someone in a personal relationship with you has installed video equipment at various locations around your workplace, and/or home. They saw what you did.
Social: All three of the people you’ve been having sex with have found out about the others, and are planning something really bad for you. Run. On the plus side you are going to excel at whatever sporting events you are involved in, and that rash is gonna clear right up.
Diet: You need to lower your sodium intake.
Commentary: Avoid Canadians.

Aquarius
Work: You will never be completely satisfied with your new job. Although, you think most of the people there like you, they don’t. They’re just smiling at your face, and talking behind your back. Most of them just feel sorry for you because you’re a pathetic fuckup. They all know you masturbate in the bathroom. Wash your hands more often.
Social: Believe it or not the stars indicate that your social life is about to really take off. You will meet someone who is almost as much a pathetic fuckup as you are. Your acne will clear up. The antibiotics are working. You will find, not only acceptance, but a superior social position among the friends of your new love interest.
Diet: Eat whatever you like. Your new social circle seems to be completely oblivious to physical condition, flatulence, and/or body odor.
Commentary: Learn to play Dungeons & Dragons, cultivate an encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek, & move into your mother’s garage. The money you save on rent will allow you travel to all the best Sci-Fi conventions.

Pisces
Work:
There will soon be a change in your work environment, or possibly in your job itself. The stars are vague about what this change may be, but you are going to like it this new aspect of your employment will make your job much more personally fulfilling.
Social: A certain recent event has made you question your sexuality. Don’t worry. You’re fine. Everybody experiments once in a while. Well, not everybody. I mean, I’ve never done anything like that. Yuck. I don’t know anybody else who’s done anything as fucked up as that before, but I’m sure it’s probably perfectly normal. Or, at least as normal as someone who could do something as fucked up as that can be.
Diet: Careful of contamination. Salmonella never sleeps.
Commentary: And, when you think about who you did it with. I mean, holy cripple christmas on a barbed wire fence.

Aries
Work:
Certain investments, and/or projects will be coming to fruition soon. Avoid the temptation to rush things, or to divest yourself too soon. Patience will be rewarded.
Social: Although do not have a particularly violent nature, you will soon have an overpowering desire to physically abuse your significant other. Ordinarily the celestial omens recommend strongly against violence of any kind, but in this particular case, your significant other has fucked you over big time. Seriously, you have been cornholed like John Holmes slamfucking a gerbil wrapped in duct tape, and a beating is definitely in order. The stars indicate that after you get medieval on their ass, you ought work your way through the renaissance, and the industrial revolution. I recommend a length of bicycle inner tube stuffed with buckshot and motor oil.
Diet: Tofu, and watercress finger sandwiches
Commentary: You single folks out there don’t need to beat anybody up.

Taurus
Work: If you don’t like your job: quit, find something you enjoy doing, and find a way to live on the minuscule amount of money they are willing to pay you for doing it.
Social: You are one lucky bastard. For this entire month you get a free pass. God ain’t watchin’, and karma has taken the day off. Any evil, perverted, or illegal thing that you want to do, you are going to be able to do and get away with. Lie, cheat, steal, murder, torture whatever you do you will get away with. So, Dig down into that nasty puss filled sty you call a soul, pull out you most depraved, heartless, putrid, evil, Martha Stewart inspired fantasy, and do it. It’s okay, nobody will ever know.
Diet: Abstain from the milk of human kindness.
Commentary: Everybody picks their nose. They have to, or eventually it would fill up with boogers, and they’d smother. Anyone who says they never pick their nose is a liar, and not to be trusted. Even Paris Hilton picks her nose. Paula Poundstone uses a shrimp fork.

Gemini
Work:
Don’t be a pussy. You deserve a raise. Ask for it.
Social: Take a vacation. You’ve been good all year, and you deserve it. Pick some tropical paradise and blow a couple of grand living it up with piña coladas, and dusky island natives. Just be careful. Eighty-two percent of the population of Haiti is HIV positive. Indonesia is rife with terrorist bombings, and child prostitution. The Southern Caribbean is the most pirate ridden area on earth, and the Northern Caribbean is recovering from the devastation of all those hurricanes. Maybe you should just stay home with a bottle of rum, and rent "Captain Ron" on DVD.
Diet: Fat free, sodium free, sugar free, carb free, fuck it, order a pizza.
Commentary: Has anyone noticed that our motor vehicles are beginning to look more, and more like Tonka Toys?

Cancer
Work: An evil star has careened into your constellation. A project you feel is important has unforeseen problems. Cut your losses before it’s too late.
Social: Be wary of fat people. The stars have not entirely revealed why, but don’t take any chances. Alright, a little plump might be okay, but stay away from the genuine rollie pollies. Even if they’re cute. Ugly people are fine.
Diet: You smoke like an ‘82 Pontiac. You eat diet pills all day, and chase Nytol with whiskey to get to sleep. You’ll fuck any greasy headed, no teeth, trailer trash that’ll stagger out to your car. And, you’re worried about your diet?
Commentary: Edward Teach, a British pirate also known as "Blackbeard", once held the entire town of Charleston for ransom. All he demanded was mercuric compounds. The only treatment at that time for gonorrhea. His entire crew was infected.

Leo
Work:
Stay away from investments with Virgos. Far away from them. I mean, Rosie O’Donell, and a salad bar far away from them. Seriously.
Social: For once in your life you’re going to have to stand up, for your personal beliefs. Some people are going to be pissed off at you, and will attack you personally rather than argue your point, or defend their own position. Fuck ‘em. If they’re so narrow minded, and petty that they can’t respect an honest, well thought out opinion, whether they agree with it, or not, then they probably realize the weakness of their own position, and can only use anger, and personal attack to cover their shallowness, and lack of conviction. What did you expect from liberals?
Diet: Quaff from the ever flowing horn of righteousness.
Commentary: The first amendment is for everybody.

Virgo
Work: I see in the stars that there is an excellent opportunity at your place of employment to become fabulously wealthy by embezzling large amounts of seldom used funds, through an associated government agency.
Social: Although you are quite popular you suffer from shyness that prevents you from becoming deeply involved, or even more than casual acquaintances. I suggest that, in order to open up, and enjoy the experience of having a close interpersonal relationship, you expose your most private feelings, and experiences to the next person that comes along. Things like: how much you hate Canadians, the time your uncle Clevis touched you "down there", even the time when you were fourteen, and wondered what a hooter felt like, so you felt up a recently littered, beagle, bitch while you spanked your trouser weasel.
Diet: Try going kosher for a while.
Commentary: Does your dad still have that beagle?

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL well *whew* about the rash... guess i dont need to see a Dr about that now!

12:03 AM  
Blogger The Blah Brain said...

LOL I found some good stuff here: click right here

9:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG that was fucking hilarious! Thanks :-)

10:42 AM  
Blogger Bert Ford said...

December is in the works.
Doesn't look good for virgo.

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOOHOO I'm not a Virgo LOL

12:21 PM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

I'm a cancer/leo mix. Which means I have multiple personalities. NO! Which means that I can pick whichever horoscope I like best. This month, I pick Leo!

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*clicks nails on the desktop waiting patiently*
LOL ;-)

8:49 AM  
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12:05 PM  

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