Monday, October 03, 2005

I created this blog out of a frustration with the vague, skimpy, and undifferentiated information contained in the news paper horoscopes we are all familiar with. I got a book on astrology, and pored over the charts and tables, and learned, with the help of several websites, the fundamentals of casting a horoscope. (It is more complicated than one might imagine.) I have begun drawing up monthly horoscopes, and where possible presenting them in the plainest, and most to the point language I could. Where possible, even predicting specific events.
I hope you enjoy my effort.


The above statement is in no way a claim to expertise in any of the mentioned fields. It also doesn’t ensure the accuracy, or validity of the information. Hell, I might have just made it all up while I was drunk. You never know. Besides, what kind of a moron believes in astrology. I mean, come on, a planet moves around the sun and I’m supposed go, "Woooo, I better invest in Texaco, and quit fucking around on my girlfriend." I think not. But, you know, I’m not saying that celestial bodies can’t have an effect on terrestrial events. The Moon’s gravity sucks trillions of tons of water around the surface of the Earth every day. So, that much power must have some sort of effect on the lives of men. So, possibly, there could be some small amount factual evidence to the theories behind astrology. And, there is some comfort in the thought that all of the events swirling around us are governed by some orderly system that can be observed and predicted. So, go ahead and believe in all this astrological bullshit if you want to, you dumbass.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
October 2005
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Libra
Work: You will get along better with your co-workers if you could find it in your heart to just shut-the-fuck-up. Really, nobody wants to hear your bullshit this month so, just zip it.
Social: Buy lots of rubbers. If you are in a relationship already and you have rubbers on hand, buy some anyway, because you’re going to be cheating a lot this month and your significant other is going to be suspicious if your rubbers keep disappearing and ya’ll ain’t slapping junior behind the ears. If you’re single. Good news, you’ll be poundin’ meat like "Rocky" doin’ speedballs. Unfortunately, you’re gonna hook up with some nasty junk, so, buy the rubbers. Trust me.
Diet: Stay away from fried foods.
Lucky Numbers: 8, 5, 7 & 35,097
Commentary: Bathe your genital area liberally with white vinegar. Small, white spots or light discolored areas indicate the presence of genital warts.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Scorpio
Work: One of your co-workers is telling everyone what you’ve been saying behind their back. You’re going to have a great idea that could have led to a raise or promotion but, you won’t get any credit for it because everyone thinks your an asshole.
Social: Drink more. You really are more interesting when you’re drunk.
Diet: Be careful about sanitation and food preparation this month. You run a high risk of exposure to fecal coloform bacteria.
Lucky Numbers: None, this is just not your month.
Commentary: Telling people the truth about themselves is seldom a good idea. Lie to make people like you.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sagittarius
Work:
This is a very good time for you, business wise. Give lots of stuff away. Buy a round of drinks for the guys, or bring croissants for breakfast. Everybody’s gonna think you’re great. This is a great month for shameless self-promotion.
Social: Unfortunately, your significant other is cheating on you. It’s not that they lack feelings for you, or commitment to the relationship. It’s just that you aren’t any good in bed. They’ve been trying to be nice about it, but whackin’ off afterwards ain’t cuttin’ it, so they’ve been gettin’ their rocks off with some strange.
Diet: Oysters.
Lucky Numbers: 69, 69, 69
Commentary: Try livening it up a little. Going down isn’t just for elevators you know, and the old back door can bring a lot to the party. Loosen up, experiment. As for you singles out there. You’re not masturbating nearly enough.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Capricorn
Work: This is a bad month for workplace romance. However, sucking up is definitely on the agenda, so grab those cheeks and bury that nose to the nostrils.
Social: Party! Party! Party! Great month to have a party. Who needs a reason? Have fun while you have the chance ‘cause next month is goin’ down the crapper. Get some friends, get some booze, get some dope, and then just get some! Venus is in your seventh house, and you know what that means!
Diet: Brownies look good this month.
Lucky Numbers: 13 & Old #7
Commentary: Be naked as often as possible. This might be the month that pudding, and zucchini thing happens.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Aquarius
Work:
Quit your job. Those bastards never appreciated you anyway.
Social: You will have practically no social life this month, but seriously, take a look at yourself. Who wants to hang out with somebody like you? You’re boring, you talk too much, you smell funny, and for the love of Christmas don’t get me started on that wardrobe.
Diet: Stay off the Mexican food. You already fart enough to put a hole in the ozone.
Lucky Numbers: Fuck you.
Commentary: Congratulations. You’re the first person to actually catch Gonorrhea from a toilet seat.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Pisces
Work: You are productive and diligent about the quality of your work. Unfortunately, nobody cares. Doing a good job is like pissing in dark pants. It gives you a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Social: Everyone thinks you’re gay. Except for your gay friends.
Diet: Eat more veggies. You need the fibre.
Lucky Numbers: Kevin Bacon
Commentary: A pet might help.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Aries
Work: Take a chance on a new venture. This is a great time for change, filled with opportunity. Investment will earn great rewards. Of course, if you take this advice and you loose your job, savings, home, family, and friends, and end up a broke crack addict in prison having your ass traded for cigarettes, don’t blame me. You’re the dumbass that believes in horoscopes.
Social: It’s a good time for you to meet new people. Your Herpes is in remission, your mother’s out of town, and those new pants make your ass look fantastic.
Diet: Eat more sushi. It’s low in fat, and high in antioxidants. The whole "Low carb" thing is bullshit.
Lucky Numbers: 9, 99, 999 & 4
Commentary: Stop eating your boogers. They’ll give you worms.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Taurus
Work:
Same old, same old, work, make money, save money, spend money, etc. Not a good month for firearms in the workplace.
Social: A good month for going out and getting drunk. You aren’t gonna meet any interesting people, or have any real fun. But, you’re under a shitload of stress and it’s only gonna get worse so, you might as well just crawl in a bottle, and pull the cap on after you.
Diet: Cheese, cheese, cheese.
Lucky Numbers: 1492, 1861, 44-40 or fight
Commentary: What have you been eating? Good lord, it smells like something crawled up you, and died.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Gemini
Work:
Give up.
Social: Many, many chances for social fuck ups this month. Navigate the social waters with extreme care, but don’t become a hermit. Many opportunities exist for improving your image in the community. Just remember that for this month you must not answer a question from a potential love interest with the words "anal lube". It will seem like the appropriate answer at the time, but trust me, it is not.
Diet: Eat meat. Vegetarians bruise easily, and they smell funny "down there".
Lucky Numbers: .38, .45, 12ga, & 9mm.
Commentary: Don’t waste money on expensive personal lubricants. Butter works just fine. That’s right, sweet creamy butter.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Cancer
Work:
You’re going to be fired for something that is totally not your fault. But, don’t despair. The stars of the business world are vastly in your favor for a massive windfall. Possibly a lottery win, the death of a wealthy relative, or a hot streak at craps.
Social: Unfortunately, you may not be able to enjoy your potential windfall because you will begin to realize that you have no friends, no social life, and your family hates you, and that this is all because you are a completely worthless and unworthy bastard. You will probably attempt suicide and if successful you will miss the opportunity to be a completely worthless and unworthy rich bastard.
Diet: Who cares? You’re probably going to eat Drano anyway.
Lucky Numbers: Ecclesiastes 10:2
Commentary: That burning sensation ain’t goin’away by itself.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Leo
Work:
Don’t think of it as work. Think of it as a really nerve racking, tedious, and unfulfilling hobby that you barely make enough money after taxes to feed an anorexic rat on.
Social: You should immediately purchase enough ingredients to prepare four gallons of butterscotch pudding, and three medium size zucchinis. Trust me, you won’t regret this.
Diet: Don’t worry about your diet, just get the pudding and the zucchinis, and you’re golden.
Lucky Numbers: 4 gal., 3 zucchinis
Commentary: Don’t get vanilla or chocolate, it has to be butterscotch.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Virgo
Work:
The whole "work" thing doesn’t seem to be working out for you this month. The stars say you ought to quit your job, and begin a career giving five dollar blowjobs in the bathroom at the Trailways station.
Social: Once your new career is underway, you’ll be meeting a lot of new people. Your social opportunities are about to skyrocket. Just remember to put the condom in your mouth before you go down. Slip it on with your lips and they’ll never know. Practice on a banana.
Diet: Treat yourself to a good dinner. Someplace nice, maybe with a band or a piano bar.
Lucky Numbers: 911
Commentary: If like is spit, and love is swallow, what’s gargle?

Hope you enjoy & look forward to next month.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL... Nice! I'm gonna have some friggin FUN this... hey wait.. its the 24th... i only have like 7 days left and i havent party party partied :o/

9:03 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home