I FINALLY got around to doing December
Sorry it's late.
I did it fast & sloppy so please excuse any typo's etc.
Enjoy!
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December 2005
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Libra
Work: Call in sick.
Social: Danger, danger, danger, a Christmas party you will attend is fraught with peril. The stars, never in favor of Christian activities, are going to give you a hard time, and not the good kind. Your best course of action is to drink a lot. That way, later, you can blame your behavior on the booze. You’re gonna lose your job anyway, and booze is the only excuse anybody’s gonna buy. Be careful, use condoms when engaging in sexual intercourse, even with inanimate objects. That’s right inanimate objects. Avoiding Christmas parties is not a good idea, even with the inevitable (and embarrassing) antics. All Libras who avoid a Christmas party this month will be abducted by a cement truck driver named Stanley Herbert Gomer, and after some really horror show type stuff they will be dressed in leaderhosen, and buried beneath the newly poured slab of an International House of Pancakes just outside Wisneck, Alabama on Interstate 22.
Diet: You’re looking a little anemic. Try some Spinach.
Lucky Numbers: 6, 98, 1045, 1055 & 3
Commentary: Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate.
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Scorpio
Work: Invest heavily in Exxon-Mobile. Its selling now around $73/share, but will be flirting with $100 by the new year.
Social: Start writing down the names of the people you go home with when you’re wasted. It will make things go a lot smoother at the trial.
Diet: Flavored condoms are not a food group.
Lucky Numbers: Moon River, Moonlight Sonata, & Bark At The Moon.
Commentary: Don’t worry too much. Your mother probably still loves you.
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Sagittarius
Work: Your employer is about to find out that you lied on your resume’. One of your co-workers had decided to have sex with you, but not the one you wanted. And you’re gonna get caught. And fired.
Social: You are still horrible in bed. There is no celestial cure for this. You seem to be enjoying yourself, but nobody else is. Just start appologizing on the way to the bedroom. On the plus side you’re gonna be getting quite a bit of mattress time from now on because the shift in your opinion of your sexual prowess will attract a lot of pity sex from sympathetic partners who think they can help you, and from a few assholes who like to prey on the vulnerabilities of others.
Diet: Cut back on the cheeseburgers. Even sympathy sex won’t get past a beer gut.
Lucky Numbers: 45, 87, fried spam, 447, 32
Commentary: You don’t need a new car yet. Keep driving the one you’ve got for a while.
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Capricorn
Work: Good Lord. What can I say. Well, just better get it over with & tell you. This month you are fucked. Bad luck is just gonna follow you around like stink on shit. Stay home in bed and avoid contact with other humans. And, stop blogging too for the love of christmas nobody wants to hear your shit anyway.
Social: Same as above. Give up socializing for a month. All you can do by going out is damage your reputation & credit rating.
Diet: Filet-O-Fish
Lucky Numbers: All the odd ones
Commentary: Don’t come to my house. I won’t answer the door if you do.
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Aquarius
Work: Your Secret Santa has forgoten who’s name he drew and has gotten you a horribly inappropriate gift. Don’t be offended he’s just a dumb fuck trying to muddle through like the rest of us.
Social: Your social life is looking up this month. That person you’ve always wanted to bone is finally gonna get drunk enough to have sex with you. Unfortunately you’re going to catch a venerial disease from them.
Diet: Filet-O-Fish
Lucky Numbers: Alberto VO5
Commentary: I would tell you to have a condom ready, but it won’t help. You’re going to get that disease any way.
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Pisces
Work: A project you are working on is going to net you a raise & or bonus or something like that.
Social: You are unaware that you are carrying a venerial disease, and you are going to infect that person that has been birddoging you lately. We all know that you would not knowingly disemenate VD (hee hee dissemenate), but you aren’t going to believe this horoscope and you’ll be so drunk at the time that you won’t be able to help yourself.
Diet: Eat your boogers
Lucky Numbers: 1
Commentary: Vaseline
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Aries
Work: You aren’t smoking enough dope at work, and your creativity is suffering. I suggest inviting the boss out behind the trash dumpster for a couple of bong hits. (worked for me)
Social: Try changing your sexual orientation, I mean, for the love of christmas this current thing is getting you nowhere.
Diet: Flintstones vitamins aren’t just for kids you know.
Lucky Numbers: $4.95
Commentary: That spot under the bed where you wipe your boogers is really getting gross. You really need to clean that shit up. It’s nasty
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Taurus
Work: Vacation time! Your stars are all lining up for a break for you. Try South America, Brazil is lovely this time of year. Plus it’s too cold in the U.S. for bikinis and we all love bikini clad chicks don’t we? And, let’s face it, Brazillian chicks are the hottest babes on the planet right? Not to insult the homegrown tang we got around here, but holy cripple christmas on a barbedwire fence, Brazillian chicks! I mean Damn!
Social: Live a little, If you go on that vacation take a little extra cash for hooker & dope.
Diet: A brazillian chick (I thought we already discussed this)
Lucky Numbers: None this month
Commentary: Bathe more often.
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Gemini
Work: Stop drinking at work. Everybody already knows you do, so don’t try to deny it. Wait til after work & get drunk at your neighborhood bar like everyone elese. Its only eight hours the Gin will be just as fresh when you get there.
Social: That person you’ve been wanting to bone lately is going to give it up that asshole you work with, but don’t worry you won’t be the one with the painful urination if you get my drift. You know , hee hee, down there? Get what I’m tryin’ to say? (what I’m saying is that "They" will be the one catching the Venerial Disease)
Diet: Butter
Lucky Numbers: 501
Commentary: Don’t bother with handcuffs. It’s easier to surprise someone with duct tape.
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Cancer
Work: Spend company funds foolishly. Make up crazy excuses to cover your fraud. You will be believed. Not only that, but you will gain the reputation for being a crazy financial genious. Right up to the moment everything falls apart.
Social: Your significant other wants to try something a little different. Go with it. And, as long as the horse doesn’t mind, who’s to judge?
Diet: Green vegetables (and, no, I don’t mean retarded frogs)
Lucky Numbers: 4444444, 6
Commentary: I don’t know if I can really comment on someone who is actually contemplating what you’re contemplating. I mean, really, even if the horse doesn’t mind, what the hell are you thinking?
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Leo
Work: Gloom, despair and agony on me. If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all. Gloom despair and agony on me.
Social: The new thing you’re doing with your hair isn’t working. It looks fine from the front, but from the back it looks completely asinine. No on has told you because most of your friends pity you at least a little bit, and they’re terrified that even a tiny nick in your selfesteem will send you spinning off into a suicidal funk.
Diet: Start using more olive oil.
Lucky Numbers: Anything that takes attention away from your head.
Commentary: I already went over the hair thing.
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Virgo
Work: The whole "work" thing doesn’t seem to be working out for you this month. The stars say you ought to quit your job, and begin a career giving five dollar blowjobs in the bathroom at the Trailways station.
Social: Once your new career is underway, you’ll be meeting a lot of new people. Your social opportunities are about to skyrocket. Just remember to put the condom in your mouth before you go down. Slip it on with your lips and they’ll never know. Practice on a banana.
Diet: Treat yourself to a good dinner. Someplace nice, maybe with a band or a piano bar.
Lucky Numbers: 911
Commentary: I know this is the same horoscope for Virgo as last year, but I’m feeling lazy, and who gives a shit about Virgos anyway?